Final Destination...

Well, I guess I must agree that I was trying to run away from the fact that I had completed my CET and it was kinda expected that I must be writing something. But, I don't know why, I just thought I should wait till the results are out. I know I have to write since the day of CET and all the experience till 14th June and later, and believe me folks, now that I am in mood to write, this one is gonna be a long one. (P.S. I owe this one to my juniors, who made me realize that I am not just using up cyber space by writing for nothing, no one out there, when I knew that only Gauri Tai reads this, which I wonder now if she really does these days)
(Well, I too remember Googling up names like Keyur Desai, Akruti Gunderia, Nikhil Rao, Uday Tekchandani and Parasmita Bhattacharjee and many more, tracking them on their facebook lives and wondering about their legends.)
The month of April after the HSC boards was the best part. Yes we did miss all the teaching but then, studying what you feel you are weak at and having your own revision schedules was the best part. I remember us coming from the prelims, in a taxi even though the exam center - Saraswati Vidya Mandir - was very near to our house, just so that we could check the papers and know our marks. I remember carrying the change of Rs. 16, the minimum fair, in mine and Vivek's pockets. And then all the phone calls - To Ghangurde sir, to tell him marks and expect some HMMM (his signature sound), Nadkarni sir, to argue regarding every doubtfull question, Varun, Mihir and Kasturi to know their marks and texting all the people I knew to know where we stood. Then filing up all the papers and entering our marks in the report cards we made for ourselves. Sigh, I still miss all the fun and stress... Kind of addicted to it, it seems. :) :)
Let me start from THE DAY.
12th May 2011, the day when our destinies were written. I woke up after just 6 hours sleep, as the previous night I was too happy and excited to sleep, about the day to come. Still I felt like having beaten Sleeping Beauty in the competition, though the BEAUTY factor isn't included here :P.
Yes, I was worried that I had no worries at all and I remember dancing to Mast Kalandar on my iPod while Vivek was still nibbling away Biomedical Technologies, on 11th eve. I remember Vivek getting frustrated while I sang out Kabhi Kabhi Aditi aloud and my parents wondering if all the stress had driven me nuts. Yes, it was indeed a wonderful night counting last few hours till freedom. I could imagine how India might have felt at 12 O'clock midnight on 14th August 1947, only that I had no Chacha Nehru for the long speech. I remember having a breakfast of not-so-sweet Sheera on Thursday next morning because Ghangurde sir once told us that a girl who did so scored 50 in Physics. And they say we are the SCIENCE students, hahaha. And then putting on the Tanpura and meditating by humming the swaras of silent Hansdhwani. Then getting ready, praying to God (which I doubt if I even believe in) and kissing my parents as I sat in the cool cab being driven by a woman driver. Never did I breathe so deep and never did I feel so calm and relaxed. I already had decided that I will be surely following Haresh Sir's philosphy about positivity and using Rhonda Byrne's The Secret. Jai Hind was my centre and Prabhu sir's phone call was all I needed to boost my morale even more, which did occur amazingly as we were getting down from the car. I kept telling myself that CET is easy and dumb and that I shouldn't much complicate things. I kept repeating this advice that all our professors had given us since our first class test. But fate it seems, had something of its own to play.
The bell rang and we entered the class. I tried to meditate and keep my heart beat as slow as I could so that no adrenaline would be secreted so as to make me panicky. Papers were distributed and a surge of thoughts ran through my mind. HECK! Shit, this is the last PC paper I will be ever writing, unless I decide to repeat. All those amazing moments with our beloved Ghangurde and Nadkarni sir, our idiotically funny doubts and SO MANY TESTS for THIS single one! It was a great feeling. I opened up the paper and the first question itself was something I didn't know much about. HECK, I kept my mind calm though, thinking that its just my set here that has this tough one before. Rest to be following will surely be easy. But alas, DMER this time thought of some Halloween surprise for us. Every question that followed was something which we didn't expect from CET. Not that I couldn't get those, but just that the feeling that this devil was really different than what we expected for 2 years, made me worried. I cannot remember the no. of times I blessed my parents for admitting me with GG, as every following question was his internal with all the same options!! :O Physics was done, and it wasn't as bad as I firstly thought it would be, but I had taken up 4 mins more than what I should have and my Chem devil now had larger horns. Chem was really easy, but the time factor and the thought that I only could read every question once if I wanted to complete the paper really got me dizzy and I did what I so swore to not be doing. I lost my cool. I panicked. And what followed was havoc. I remember reading 6 questions in line with nothing going in head and me just circling them so as to hurry for the next one. Time was over and my 2 questions remained. The idiotic invigilator didn't know that he was supposed to be signing the papers and came to fulfill his duty as I was scurrying around to mark the answers. Finally, as the bell rang, I kept holding tightly on to my answer sheet, following GG's tips to not to give it away unless you mark everything. But then I wondered how suddenly the invigilator could be so smart by taking away my question paper instead. Sigh, I didn't know what option to mark. This never happened in our mock tests as we were supposed to take away the question papers at home. I saw around, people moaning, screaming and some hugging their deaths quietly. I kept wondering which group I should be joining. I could see my parents disappointed faces, GG and Nadu asking me how I could not get THAT particular question and Kasturi asking me how I could miss such easy ones. I wished I could just disappear. Somehow, I could remember Aai telling me that if PC went bad, it meant I had the added responsibility of doing my best in Bio. So, I hurried to the washroom to wash my face where already few people were crying, but I decided that I won't be giving a shit about what's happening around and what happened before. I knew that if it was bad for me, it surely must have been bad for everybody. I just prayed to God that the Bio paper happens to be just out of board book and occupied my seat. But sigh, no prayers were to be accepted that day.
Bell rang, I got my Bio paper and I felt all the joy one could get by topping a prelim, after reading first 2 pages. Every question had been from board book. But then, again, the happiness wasn't meant to be lasting for long. They started asking some questions which I knew even Balaji didn't have the answers for. But somehow, I didn't feel the excruciating pain anymore again. Maybe I had become too numb to feel it, maybe I had gobbled up some extra confidence with water gulps and dry fruits, during the break, but somehow I remained strong during the entire Bio paper. Completed it on time and just wondered if I should run back down to my parents or just sit there. Quietly. I randomly packed my stuff as everybody was running around in pain and anguish. There were huge heaves and silent sobs, long sighs and sarcastic smiles. I wondered what mask I should have been wearing. I just climbed down the stairs and calmly explained my parents the situation who thought I would come down screaming in joy and all in smiles as after my final Geometry paper of SSC. And then... The worst part... DISCUSSIONS!
Firstly, I called up Ghangurde sir, to tell him that unlike what he promised us the entire year, the Bio paper was not exclusively from board book. By then he already knew of the PC case. Then calling up Vivek, who was already crying, Varun, who gave me a myocardial infarction by saying that PC was just lengthy and that he expected 97 in it, Kasturi, who wondered if she would have to repeat and then Mihir, who's phone was switched off.
Then it was a confusion so as to deciding which classes we should be going to, to draft the paper again. As we discussed how screwed we were in Bio and how we were raped in Physics I knew KEM was now just a dream. We knew we had to go to GG, because that's where we were confused the most. Again Dominoes pizzas lured us even at such time. Haha! Where we met Minit Shah, who then again made us feel that we should be jumping from the building by explaining how better KEM was, as compared to Sion. Even Pizza seemed to taste shit. With every question answered wrong, counting back the falling score was really a dagger in heart. But we somehow could finish the paper and ran to Prabhu sir's office where the Bio paper was already ready and printed. With NO CONTROVERSY this year and all answers being line pickups, the hope of getting some free marks of controversies were even shattered. And then as he told everybody's scores, I added up my P & B totals, just praying to God that I might not have made more than 4 mistakes in Chem. And then impatiently we requested Kolambikar sir to allow us to check the paper he had drafted. 183, 183!!!! That was the score I predicted! And sigh, it was a feeling I really can't explain in words. With no energy left in body to travel in a train from Parla to Dadar, we somehow got ourselves into a rickshaw and immediately started calling up friends from various places. Kolhapur, Ratnagiri, Latur, Solapur, Sangli and Kudal. Somehow the sadistic pleasure of everybody having done badly and the news of the so-called-toppers of respective places coming back home crying, calmed our nerves.
Reaching home, was like attending a funeral. With my and Vivek's parents putting up their awkward smiles trying to convince us that medical college didn't make much difference and that everybody around the state faced the same situations. Predicting the cut offs for KEM and Mumbai, I just prayed it were around 183. Plus, there was a huge confusion while marking the answers, so I just hoped that all the practice of 2 years to mark correctly paid off. Somehow I didn't enjoy my dinner in Gypsy that day. As I licked my chocolate ice cream I wondered if my 197 in last prelim was just a joke...

A Very Long Academic Year...

So... One more Sunday comes to an end... The day which is meant to be cheerful and joyful for most of the students... I HATE IT!!!!
The reason for this is that we have tests of 2 subjects on Sundays, here in our classes, famous as Dr. Abhang Prabhu's Tutorials... We have Maths/Biology test followed by Physics/Chemistry on every alternate Sunday... In fact its not the TESTS which make the Sundays so bad, its the Sunday noon when we come out of the Shitty Dadar Vidya Mandir which is our "EXAMINATION CENTRE" (which I suppose is the future of our BELOVED D. G. Ruparel college, which is equally bad... With not even a single fan working, switches of Bakelite, the material which we are yet studying in Chemistry as a great insulating material - which is now-a-days not used)... Discussing the paper and cursing the level of difficulty...
Dadar Vidya Mandir (D.V.M) is worse than even the worst of the schools you might find in Sindhudurg, with all kinds of Tapori students coming to flirt in a vulgar manner, where the paint is peeling off the walls, where there are messages and pictures drawn on the walls which can be conidered as the last limit of obscenity... Now you would wonder why I am babbling so much about DVM but the fact is that, I LIVE IN THE BUILDING BESIDES DVM!!!!!!!! It is so much annoying to listen to foolish and dumb giggles of dumb girls who are CHATTING with most idiotic ever guys I have seen in my entire life...
Sorry... I am so pissed off by my schedule this year that I can abuse anything I can think of... Even myslef... I am tired of waking up everyday at 6 am... I am tired of having a bath as fast as possible so that I am not late... Tired of drinking the same tea out of the same Mug, tired of attending the boring lectures where you mostly focus more on how you would get more correct MCQs rather than giving a DAMN about understanding the concept...(that's probably the best sentence I can use to describe my feelings - Believe me I am just somehow controlling my anger and writing CLEAN stuff)
I have become notorious for asking doubts which according to Ghangurde Sir is, "unnecessary for the timebeing"... I think it is a fundamental right as well as a duty of each and every student to be curious and AT LEAST sometimes, explore some places and facts just for the sake of LOVE for education (Ya... Right... Call me a NERD)...
I am tired of moaning about marks I get inspite of being one of the toppers but not being the topmost... I am tired of listening to how disappointed my Profs. are just because I got 2 marks less than some guy who they thought was not as intelligent as me... (Haresh Sir's an exception... He encourages a lot... But other Profs. take care that I am not being benifitted by it)...
I am tired of hour long talks with Profs. on phones and their offices about the way I should study and always promising them that I will be unbeatable henceforth... I am tired of planning a lot on Sundays and not getting time from home work to do what I plan, of having irregular naps at odd times, of sleeping at 4.30 am and waking up at 6 am... Of taking multivitamin pills advised by Baba as I don't have Omega - 13 in my diet (as I don't eat fish)... I am tired of thinking about the amount of time Vivek, Advait, Aditi, Aditya, Anagha, Urvi, Kasturi, study and ending up just thinking about that, I am tired of thinking about having done some Art like singing or playing some instrument after listening to Unmesh's tabla stories... I am tired of counting my calories so that I don't put on weight just because I don't have enough time for any physical exercise...
And EVENTUALLY, I am tired of wasting an entire day on net, as I did today, considering all the things I have babbled about...

AND FOLKS... This is my story just 4 months since our classes have begun... There's an entire year of this and a deadlier schedule waiting for me after the vacation of just 6 days, which I'll be getting on 9th May... I am counting the remaining days... With two more tests on Sundays till then I wonder, will I even be alive till then or will my body be couriered home??
This week is going to be more terrible, with 4 tests of Bio on same day and a Unit test of Maths on 6 chapters, with lot of submission to do...
HELL COULDN'T BE WORSE!!!! :( :'( :( :'(

My Bio Experience...

Hey... Today the result of the Saturday tests are out... And believe me they are really great for me... I have got 28 out of 30... Thus if you don't consider those two dumb mistakes which I wrote about that day, it's just like I have got 30 on 30... Isn't it?? Now I know that by saying so I shouldn't rest but yet, Isn't it grrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttt!!!
Now the reason for me being happy is not that I have got great marks but that other "SCHOLARS" have got lesser marks than me... Aditi - 27, Advait - 23, Janhavi Dedhiya ( THE NTS TOPPER) - 21...
My room mate Vivek Patil has got 26... I really feel bad for him because he really studied equally as hard as I did... Unmesh Bedekar, my best friend got 19 !!! :(
But I think that he, cannot say deserved, but he needed some shock to wake him up and bring him out of his comfort zone... He just reads the notes and that's it... He is satisfied by it... He doesn't try to get more knowledge... So I think that now he might kick start...
Today even my Bio sir praised me a lot... In fact he scolded me but I could sense affection in him for me... DR. Abhang Prabhu... He is KEM college M.D. Gold Medalist of gynaecology, I don't even know the NUMBER of fellowships he has... And he is the most intelligent person in this world I have ever met personally... He doesn't teach you the topic, he teaches you HOW TO LEARN... He is the best person in the industry and he knows it... He told me today that my problem is that I think a lot... He said that I think and think and think and think... And this confuses me and I lose mark... After the lecture when I went to ask him doubts, I don't know what happened to him and he become very soft with me...
He told me that I am among the best students he has and he promised me that I would get admission into KEM (yipppeee)... He just asked me to have confidence on myself and be calm... He gave an example... He said "Suppose you encounter a Tiger... Then what will you do... You don't know if the tiger is hungry... You don't know if he will attack you or not... So why worry? Be calm... If you freak out, so will the tiger and then you are dead... And suppose the tiger has decided to kill you, there's no way out... So again no use of getting panicked..." I suppose what he meant was I am the person and his papers are the tigers... But today he just rocked in the lecture... Anyways...
O.K. then... Further on this topic to be continued... Keep up with me!!! Yeah....

Half Empty Glass...

Sorry for not writing for so many days... Just was a bit busy and didn't get time to write anything... Neither did I have net at my home... But I have recently taken Tikona Wireless Broadband Service... I had decided to write my review about it, but today I feel terribly depressed...
My twelfth classes have started and the studies have started off with a bang... I must have completed just about one month or so and till now I have given 5-6 tests... And the problem is that the start hasn't been good...
I have returned from a paper... It's 8.00 pm and I don't know if will I be able to sleep tonight... Even after having had a sleep of just 5 hours yesterday... The problem is that I am really very impatient...
The test was on biology and the lesson was respiration... I had studied a lot and was really happy with myself... I had thought that I'll be getting full today... Yes... That was my aim... This time and even the last time of Biology paper... I had studied from various sources... I didn't just stick to our sir's notes which we were instructed to do... I studied from about 3 books, read a lot of information from the net, saw a lot of beautiful videos on YouTube and got my concept cleared from the teachers...
I had read the entire lesson THRICE and was damn sure of getting full... I even had Biology practicals today and had earthworm dissection... I was so calm that I didn't haste in the dissection which I had thought I would do and cut the earthworms intestines mistakenly, but none of this happened and teacher praised me a lot...
I came home and once again read the chapter and left for the examination hall at about 5.45 pm... I didn't open the book after that and tried to calm myself down... I even prayed to God which I rarely do... I was sure that the paper was going to be all right... But what I think rarely does happen....
I got the paper and knew that I knew all the answers to all the questions... And so first of all I began ticking the answers on the question sheet itself... I tried a lot to keep my heart beat down but couldn't... I don't know why this happened... I don't know... Was it the fear or my excitation that I knew the answers but I went on circling the wrong answers...
On the question paper I had marked all the answers correct... It was CET type of exam where you are given a question paper and a separate answer sheet which contains some circles corresponding to options A B C D are to be coloured... There were thirty such questions and I had got them all right... ON THE QUESTION PAPER...
When I started filling in the circles I don't know what happened... I got severe chest pain and my mouth went dry... I drank the entire 1 litre water bottle but in vain... And I started circling the circles on wrong options... Just when I would complete colouring a circle I would understand that I had made some terrible mistake... And in such papers you can't change your answer once marked... And the consciousness of my mistakes hit me... And that kept on increasing my guilt...
I marked wrong circles for three consecutive circles in spite of having known the correct answers... And after I understood I felt that everything was lost... And after that moment I did really lose everything... I don't know what happened... But my heart beat suddenly calmed down, my chest pain reduced and I started CRYING... Weeping in the sense... And I completely lost it... Now I don't even recall the questions I answered after that moment...
Please don't think that I am so weak... I am NOT... But what made me so weak was the result of my preceding test... I had studied really well for that test but that time due to lack of INFORMATION not knowledge, I lost my three marks and that too after a sleepless night... It is not the feeling of having committed mistake, but the feeling that my efforts go in vain which hurts me the most... Coincidentally even Aai and Baba were here at that time... And I requested them a lot to give me net and promised them full in the next test...
What makes me more sad is that people have now started underestimating my capabilities just after one dumb test... I am the one asking most of the questions to the professors and participating actively in the conversations... At that time what all the profs and students think of me, is genius and such silly incidents like today prove them wrong...
My toughest competitor Aditi, who got full in the Bio test is what eats me away... Its not that I am envying her or something... I know she is really good... But what bothers me is that just after that one test the teachers of even other subjects praise her a lot and think that I am not good enough... I hate it the most when my Physics prof asks me to reduce my study of Physics and start studying Bio just because I lost 3 marks out of 30 in the test and gives me an example of Aditi... Now Physics is my most favourite subject and it is my strong fortress and I really think that I might be at least better than her at it... Which I'll have to prove in another such dumb test.. And I am really waiting for it... I don't know what will happen at that time... I feel terribly guilty when I now speak with my parents especially Baba... Because he has a lot of expectations from me and I am afraid that I might disappoint him...
I don't know what happens to me when I get the question paper... And this has started recently... Up till 10th it was never a problem... But now...!!??
Its just like an empty glass... I try a lot to fill it completely... But just when I think I have reached the brim, I understand that there is a leakage some where and until I find it... The Glass is empty again...
Please help me... Tell me something how can I improve... My mother says that it is a problem of concentration power because I don't believe in God... What I think is, if I have studied everything about Glycolysis what the hell will God do when I get a question about it... If God really exists he shouldn't really be so cruel with me...
Please help... I have nobody to speak about this issue... So I am writing it here...