Sorry for not writing for so many days... Just was a bit busy and didn't get time to write anything... Neither did I have net at my home... But I have recently taken Tikona Wireless Broadband Service... I had decided to write my review about it, but today I feel terribly depressed...
My twelfth classes have started and the studies have started off with a bang... I must have completed just about one month or so and till now I have given 5-6 tests... And the problem is that the start hasn't been good...
I have returned from a paper... It's 8.00 pm and I don't know if will I be able to sleep tonight... Even after having had a sleep of just 5 hours yesterday... The problem is that I am really very impatient...
The test was on biology and the lesson was respiration... I had studied a lot and was really happy with myself... I had thought that I'll be getting full today... Yes... That was my aim... This time and even the last time of Biology paper... I had studied from various sources... I didn't just stick to our sir's notes which we were instructed to do... I studied from about 3 books, read a lot of information from the net, saw a lot of beautiful videos on YouTube and got my concept cleared from the teachers...
I had read the entire lesson THRICE and was damn sure of getting full... I even had Biology practicals today and had earthworm dissection... I was so calm that I didn't haste in the dissection which I had thought I would do and cut the earthworms intestines mistakenly, but none of this happened and teacher praised me a lot...
I came home and once again read the chapter and left for the examination hall at about 5.45 pm... I didn't open the book after that and tried to calm myself down... I even prayed to God which I rarely do... I was sure that the paper was going to be all right... But what I think rarely does happen....
I got the paper and knew that I knew all the answers to all the questions... And so first of all I began ticking the answers on the question sheet itself... I tried a lot to keep my heart beat down but couldn't... I don't know why this happened... I don't know... Was it the fear or my excitation that I knew the answers but I went on circling the wrong answers...
On the question paper I had marked all the answers correct... It was CET type of exam where you are given a question paper and a separate answer sheet which contains some circles corresponding to options A B C D are to be coloured... There were thirty such questions and I had got them all right... ON THE QUESTION PAPER...
When I started filling in the circles I don't know what happened... I got severe chest pain and my mouth went dry... I drank the entire 1 litre water bottle but in vain... And I started circling the circles on wrong options... Just when I would complete colouring a circle I would understand that I had made some terrible mistake... And in such papers you can't change your answer once marked... And the consciousness of my mistakes hit me... And that kept on increasing my guilt...
I marked wrong circles for three consecutive circles in spite of having known the correct answers... And after I understood I felt that everything was lost... And after that moment I did really lose everything... I don't know what happened... But my heart beat suddenly calmed down, my chest pain reduced and I started CRYING... Weeping in the sense... And I completely lost it... Now I don't even recall the questions I answered after that moment...
Please don't think that I am so weak... I am NOT... But what made me so weak was the result of my preceding test... I had studied really well for that test but that time due to lack of INFORMATION not knowledge, I lost my three marks and that too after a sleepless night... It is not the feeling of having committed mistake, but the feeling that my efforts go in vain which hurts me the most... Coincidentally even Aai and Baba were here at that time... And I requested them a lot to give me net and promised them full in the next test...
What makes me more sad is that people have now started underestimating my capabilities just after one dumb test... I am the one asking most of the questions to the professors and participating actively in the conversations... At that time what all the profs and students think of me, is genius and such silly incidents like today prove them wrong...
My toughest competitor Aditi, who got full in the Bio test is what eats me away... Its not that I am envying her or something... I know she is really good... But what bothers me is that just after that one test the teachers of even other subjects praise her a lot and think that I am not good enough... I hate it the most when my Physics prof asks me to reduce my study of Physics and start studying Bio just because I lost 3 marks out of 30 in the test and gives me an example of Aditi... Now Physics is my most favourite subject and it is my strong fortress and I really think that I might be at least better than her at it... Which I'll have to prove in another such dumb test.. And I am really waiting for it... I don't know what will happen at that time... I feel terribly guilty when I now speak with my parents especially Baba... Because he has a lot of expectations from me and I am afraid that I might disappoint him...
I don't know what happens to me when I get the question paper... And this has started recently... Up till 10th it was never a problem... But now...!!??
Its just like an empty glass... I try a lot to fill it completely... But just when I think I have reached the brim, I understand that there is a leakage some where and until I find it... The Glass is empty again...
Please help me... Tell me something how can I improve... My mother says that it is a problem of concentration power because I don't believe in God... What I think is, if I have studied everything about Glycolysis what the hell will God do when I get a question about it... If God really exists he shouldn't really be so cruel with me...
Please help... I have nobody to speak about this issue... So I am writing it here...
My twelfth classes have started and the studies have started off with a bang... I must have completed just about one month or so and till now I have given 5-6 tests... And the problem is that the start hasn't been good...
I have returned from a paper... It's 8.00 pm and I don't know if will I be able to sleep tonight... Even after having had a sleep of just 5 hours yesterday... The problem is that I am really very impatient...
The test was on biology and the lesson was respiration... I had studied a lot and was really happy with myself... I had thought that I'll be getting full today... Yes... That was my aim... This time and even the last time of Biology paper... I had studied from various sources... I didn't just stick to our sir's notes which we were instructed to do... I studied from about 3 books, read a lot of information from the net, saw a lot of beautiful videos on YouTube and got my concept cleared from the teachers...
I had read the entire lesson THRICE and was damn sure of getting full... I even had Biology practicals today and had earthworm dissection... I was so calm that I didn't haste in the dissection which I had thought I would do and cut the earthworms intestines mistakenly, but none of this happened and teacher praised me a lot...
I came home and once again read the chapter and left for the examination hall at about 5.45 pm... I didn't open the book after that and tried to calm myself down... I even prayed to God which I rarely do... I was sure that the paper was going to be all right... But what I think rarely does happen....
I got the paper and knew that I knew all the answers to all the questions... And so first of all I began ticking the answers on the question sheet itself... I tried a lot to keep my heart beat down but couldn't... I don't know why this happened... I don't know... Was it the fear or my excitation that I knew the answers but I went on circling the wrong answers...
On the question paper I had marked all the answers correct... It was CET type of exam where you are given a question paper and a separate answer sheet which contains some circles corresponding to options A B C D are to be coloured... There were thirty such questions and I had got them all right... ON THE QUESTION PAPER...
When I started filling in the circles I don't know what happened... I got severe chest pain and my mouth went dry... I drank the entire 1 litre water bottle but in vain... And I started circling the circles on wrong options... Just when I would complete colouring a circle I would understand that I had made some terrible mistake... And in such papers you can't change your answer once marked... And the consciousness of my mistakes hit me... And that kept on increasing my guilt...
I marked wrong circles for three consecutive circles in spite of having known the correct answers... And after I understood I felt that everything was lost... And after that moment I did really lose everything... I don't know what happened... But my heart beat suddenly calmed down, my chest pain reduced and I started CRYING... Weeping in the sense... And I completely lost it... Now I don't even recall the questions I answered after that moment...
Please don't think that I am so weak... I am NOT... But what made me so weak was the result of my preceding test... I had studied really well for that test but that time due to lack of INFORMATION not knowledge, I lost my three marks and that too after a sleepless night... It is not the feeling of having committed mistake, but the feeling that my efforts go in vain which hurts me the most... Coincidentally even Aai and Baba were here at that time... And I requested them a lot to give me net and promised them full in the next test...
What makes me more sad is that people have now started underestimating my capabilities just after one dumb test... I am the one asking most of the questions to the professors and participating actively in the conversations... At that time what all the profs and students think of me, is genius and such silly incidents like today prove them wrong...
My toughest competitor Aditi, who got full in the Bio test is what eats me away... Its not that I am envying her or something... I know she is really good... But what bothers me is that just after that one test the teachers of even other subjects praise her a lot and think that I am not good enough... I hate it the most when my Physics prof asks me to reduce my study of Physics and start studying Bio just because I lost 3 marks out of 30 in the test and gives me an example of Aditi... Now Physics is my most favourite subject and it is my strong fortress and I really think that I might be at least better than her at it... Which I'll have to prove in another such dumb test.. And I am really waiting for it... I don't know what will happen at that time... I feel terribly guilty when I now speak with my parents especially Baba... Because he has a lot of expectations from me and I am afraid that I might disappoint him...
I don't know what happens to me when I get the question paper... And this has started recently... Up till 10th it was never a problem... But now...!!??
Its just like an empty glass... I try a lot to fill it completely... But just when I think I have reached the brim, I understand that there is a leakage some where and until I find it... The Glass is empty again...
Please help me... Tell me something how can I improve... My mother says that it is a problem of concentration power because I don't believe in God... What I think is, if I have studied everything about Glycolysis what the hell will God do when I get a question about it... If God really exists he shouldn't really be so cruel with me...
Please help... I have nobody to speak about this issue... So I am writing it here...
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