The Better YOU

Nearly 8 days, since I came to Kudal! I looked forward to this vacation to read all the things and chapters I couldn't read because of the part exams - Cutaneous nerve distribution, Hematology. I imagined myself burning the midnight oil and Aai making me cups of coffee, the same way I studied in 10th. But back then, I was a completely different ME! The reason I studied then and the reason I study now is completely different. And every morning as I manage to start my days as late as possible, today I surprised myself by saying Good Morning to the day when it actually had already become a Good Afternoon. Rather a bad one, actually. And though I tried to convince myself to feel happy about it as I won't get such sleeps again as college starts, I knew I was cursing myself for utter waste of time. Firstly, it is proved that 6-7 hours of sleep is only what is required for brain and that more than it just makes brain more sloppy and slow and secondly, Benjamin Franklin with his words of advice keeps freaking me out when I try to pull up that blanket again - Sleep is a waste of time. You shall have enough of it once you DIE!
AND ALL THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL TERRIBLY DEPRESSED!

Its not new for me though. I have observed that in everybody's lives you have crests and troughs, just like waves. For your performances, happiness, satisfaction... Everything. You shine and manage to surprise yourself by achieving brilliance! Which you yourself hadn't thought about and then you also sometimes feel suicidal when nothing goes your way or the way you plan. We have days where we go to bed imagining that life just can't be better than this and then there are days when you think why did you at all come to this world! You have moments of celebrations and moments of grieving! I don't know if you are able to connect to what I am saying here, but if you are not, you might find this entire article just boring philosophical out-pour from my heart!
But as a matter of fact, we actually don't understand the value of happiness or for that matter any given darn situation in life, unless we fall in a deeper pit. Its then when we really understand that what we had, was something which was really beautiful and enjoyable. As my friend Shrikant would say - You understand the value of something in your life only when you lose it. Even Kunti, mother of Pandavas asked for sorrows and difficulties, in her blessings from Krishna. When I was small I thought that the woman was psychotic to ask all this, just so that she could understand the beauty of surrendering to God in times of trouble, but now I really understand what she meant. And its in such times that even I get such kinds of philosophical bouts.
Now its not that I am having a nervous breakdown or anything. But after a certain period of being unsatisfied with myself I usually seek some motivation from my Gurus as such. Baba, Haresh Sir, Gauri Tai or just chat with Vivek or Mihir. But I have always known that the external motivation is just time being and what you really need, is boost ups from your own guts! I maintained tradition of sending SMSes to myself in times of distress and spoke to myself some words of advice from an elderly, third person's views. You always know the answer out, you always know what is right. But the correct way always is a difficult decision or something REALLY courageous, to be done.
The way we are brought up and everything good that we know in this world, always acts as the guiding compass when you are caught up in a storm. But we always tend to hide away the compass and prefer to not make any decision, rather the right decision and hence sink our own ship. Its always US and OUR decisions and thoughts that really make any difference to our life, irrespective of others'. What is important is just to seek advice from THAT YOU in You. The all-knowing, all pervading indestructible part of Right in you - what some call the Almighty or the Adwait concept of God.
So I thought of writing something like this, which I can read again when I need guidance from ME. I always know what is really good and correct for me, irrespective of what my parents, friends or teachers think. But its important to consciously and voluntarily open up to that lighthouse in you and just not close your eyes. So I thought of writing the thoughts of that ME in me.
(Considering this as an advice from HIM, I have used distinct pronouns)

Dear Sujay,
As you sit here, writing all that I tell you, its the first mistake that you make by wasting all the time typing the thoughts which would come and go in your mind as a blizzard. I wonder if you go on posting this to your blog really for you to read again or for people to know 'how philosophically matured' you THINK you are. Life is too simple and you make it very complicated by bringing in perspectives about YOU, that people might have and THAT is the root cause of everything. I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
First thing that you lack is self motivation. Its Me in you who is always there to guide you but you always turn a deaf ear even when your conscience is shouting out. You do it, when I try to prohibit you from wasting time on Facebook, you do it when I tell you to not think about what people in college - teachers, seniors and colleagues - think about you. The burning passion for medicine that you have in your heart is gonna die out if you don't pour the oil of hard work in it. It probably is the undeserving success that you think you have temporarily got in college after scoring good in 2 useless part exams. Yes I agree that your sincerity in listening to teachers with rapt attention is what mostly helps you, but not reading any further is gonna take you in a deeper shit where you would become helpless - a casual.
You keep convincing yourself that you study to know more, and not for marks. But just think if you are trying to run away from the fact that its marks, that will really check your deep knowledge. As Baba says, when you play a game, you have to play by the rules of it. Just cursing the education system is going to take you nowhere.
To keep going, to keep fighting you should clearly visualize your path and destination. Your ambition and your dreams are the only thing which should matter to you the most. All the distractions are nothing but temporary unproductive mirages which you must learn to distinguish from reality!
Pablo Picasso once said - Action is the foundational key to all success. And the most foolish thing to do is to not open the door when you own the key. Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune. As Aajoba always says - To constantly analyze what you do and to counter check it against what you SHOULD do, as directed by your conscience is finally nothing but the way to achieving your goal.
Lastly, as I take leave, I just would like to tell you... I am always here for you when you will need me. Just make sure that you keep your mind open to my suggestions.
Stay Hungry,
Stay Foolish.

Yours Sincerely...
The Better YOU

BECOMING a Medico

You are out of that CET world, you walk the corridors of an INSTITUTION having its own culture, achievements and glories... You are smiled at, by your seniors and you just like to roam around in the college wearing that apron... That feeling, when you are asked about directions to a specific ward no. 24 by a poor confused patient, and in spite of having shrugged your shoulders, you still manage to be happy and elated 'coz someone called you a DOC!! Gosh!! Man, you are in a medical college!!! :)
3 months nearly of being a 'Proud Sionite', and I am back home, Kudal, for my Diwali vacation which is indeed nothing but just a preparatory leave, given that our exams start soon after it ends. But nonetheless, you still manage to feel majestic to even show off the huge bags you carry filled with more books and less clothes. Sigh, just that there was no space for Gray's!! (believe me, its a HUGE HUGE Anatomy book). Imagine, opening that in the train, just giving the seat-mate granny a mild M.I. Hihi :P ... But jokes apart, 3 months, just 3 months and there's SOOOOO much to write about.
1st Aug we kick off the day with Dean's address where they give us a warm welcome to the huge family, followed by a tour of entire college by our seniors. The next day we have Ice Breaking by seniors for all of us to know each other better. Yeah, much needed when you are sharing benches with a small Bihari and a huge Punjabi. Man, you feel weird and over-conscious that all these people you are sharing benches with are actually the toppers from their respective places and you are just afraid that you are gonna get your ass kicked surely in the competition. You keep judging everybody carefully, wondering what could be your comfort zone of people. That's really a difficult part, but it passes soon and you start enjoying with everyone as if you all have been chaddi buddies! And the strong anti-ragging council of Lokmanya Tilak Municipal Medical College (L.T.M.M.C) makes it sure that there's not even an R heard from it. But given the fact that all our seniors are just uber cool and pure fantabulous, we all enjoyed the silly "Betty Butter Bought some Butter..." kinda games with all other possible words starting from "B" ( ;) my batchmates might know what I mean :P)
And then start the subject teaching! Gawdddd... Anatomy, Physiology and Biochemistry! Anatomy with all her sister subjects becomes just ever increasing huge Ocean of knowledge. The amazing logical stimulation by Physio (my personal fav) and Biochem with harldy any time spared from the day stays unread. Much awaited Anat dissections are the best part of all the learning. And what I enjoy the most is that you are in the college the entire day, being bombarded with some sort of information or the other, but yet you manage to not feel tired by it and rather enjoy it. That's maybe because we will be having its direct application further clinically. Sigh, I'm boring myself writing all this.
I decided to not commit my CET mistake of just being a bookworm and hence started singing classes and have joined a gym - Talwalkars. I have already learnt 4 Ragas and performed 2 songs in a small show in the college on Ganeshotsav occasion. I am maintaining (trying rather to) the AMAZINGLY STRICT Diet given to me by the Nutritionist at the gym to help me shed the extra kilos and turn into something fitter if not a macho! Boy, we'll surely require some Biceps to move around the stretchers next year in the wards if they want us to be the wardboys! (that's what I've heard).
Its fun to try and fill up your tummy with loads of healthy veggies and fruits, ordering Sandwiches without potatoes and butter. Given the fact that we survive these days with lunch in college canteen with something just to prevent us from fainting in the practicals, I am way too much enjoying even the simple Radish sabji made by Aai for lunch. Geez I am gonna completely screw up all my diet effort of last month.
Er, right now, I don't even know what I should write. In fact I didn't have anything specifically on my mind to write about. I usually have a good opening and end for post already made in mind, but right now I'm just typing anything and everything, hence all the weird randomness of the topic. I just thought that this point in life, NOT life as such, but you know the medical career might be an important point where I would like to archive all my FIRST feelings of doing this and that.
I am trying to be much sincere in college. Listening with rapt attention and controlling myself from cracking jokes no matter however strong the instinct. I am actually trying to curb my last bencher's attitude by purposely grabbing a seat, staring at the prof. But given the fact that our (most of the) Professors are just too too too good, it is taken care that you don't doze off with a lullaby. I am trying to know all the 99 people of my batch with their first names and its actually becoming much of a task! I am trying to know my seniors better, as its important and all, firstly. (but secondly, given the dearth of pretty faces in our batch its lot more thirst quenching :P).
Hahaha, and its just yesterday that I went for dinner with Baba's friends and when asked about a specific Haematology doubt, the answer that I got was another question - How many gorgeous girls I have in my college and how many of them I actually have complimented? I told them that I did compliment one for her superbly visible Sternocleidomastoid, they wanted to specifically know about Pectoralis and Gluteus! :D.
The fact that I really read the books I brought home is what actually nauseated them, haha! Geez, convincing them that I don't study JUST to pass the exams was really a Herculean task.We already had 2 part exams which I surprisingly topped (both of them), although I firmly believe that I didn't deserve to even pass the 2nd, given my haphazard preparation.
As Aai sits here, reading what I am typing, its kinda awkward to type all this, (I don't think she knows those muscles) but heck everybody tried to convince my parents that medicine is actually meant to work hard and party harder... Well, the Party part actually sunk deep into me. ;) So I whiled away the entire day today not doing anything much specifically and I am damn sure that my 1st terminal itself is going to be something I won't actually be expecting.

The worst part is, that you look forward to this vacation with huge hopes of completely shoving off all that huge accumulated pile of To-Be-Done work and actually end up wasting it in not so productive or enjoyable activities.. The worst and the most frustrating part.. Sigh. I am just drifting off way too much into randomness. I should just go and give my cerebral cortex the much needed rest after all the PLANNING about studying! Well, it is actually a tiring job! Now all that remains is the Really studying part. (Haah, Aai read that 'awkward' part I just wrote above and gave me a tap on my shoulder and smiled. Now with my 18th birthday soon approaching I am excited about legally being an adult at last. Damn, I've become completely shameless already)

At last this turns out to be quite a boring post, but geez I completed it somehow 'coz I felt some kind of binding responsibility of posting at this moment.

P. S. I keep checking my Blog stats and always there are many new people checking it out with redirections from varied keywords and I wonder what they come to see. But whatever the reason, its nice to know that someone even from Canada also reads all the crap I write. Haha :D

Final Destination...

Well, I guess I must agree that I was trying to run away from the fact that I had completed my CET and it was kinda expected that I must be writing something. But, I don't know why, I just thought I should wait till the results are out. I know I have to write since the day of CET and all the experience till 14th June and later, and believe me folks, now that I am in mood to write, this one is gonna be a long one. (P.S. I owe this one to my juniors, who made me realize that I am not just using up cyber space by writing for nothing, no one out there, when I knew that only Gauri Tai reads this, which I wonder now if she really does these days)
(Well, I too remember Googling up names like Keyur Desai, Akruti Gunderia, Nikhil Rao, Uday Tekchandani and Parasmita Bhattacharjee and many more, tracking them on their facebook lives and wondering about their legends.)
The month of April after the HSC boards was the best part. Yes we did miss all the teaching but then, studying what you feel you are weak at and having your own revision schedules was the best part. I remember us coming from the prelims, in a taxi even though the exam center - Saraswati Vidya Mandir - was very near to our house, just so that we could check the papers and know our marks. I remember carrying the change of Rs. 16, the minimum fair, in mine and Vivek's pockets. And then all the phone calls - To Ghangurde sir, to tell him marks and expect some HMMM (his signature sound), Nadkarni sir, to argue regarding every doubtfull question, Varun, Mihir and Kasturi to know their marks and texting all the people I knew to know where we stood. Then filing up all the papers and entering our marks in the report cards we made for ourselves. Sigh, I still miss all the fun and stress... Kind of addicted to it, it seems. :) :)
Let me start from THE DAY.
12th May 2011, the day when our destinies were written. I woke up after just 6 hours sleep, as the previous night I was too happy and excited to sleep, about the day to come. Still I felt like having beaten Sleeping Beauty in the competition, though the BEAUTY factor isn't included here :P.
Yes, I was worried that I had no worries at all and I remember dancing to Mast Kalandar on my iPod while Vivek was still nibbling away Biomedical Technologies, on 11th eve. I remember Vivek getting frustrated while I sang out Kabhi Kabhi Aditi aloud and my parents wondering if all the stress had driven me nuts. Yes, it was indeed a wonderful night counting last few hours till freedom. I could imagine how India might have felt at 12 O'clock midnight on 14th August 1947, only that I had no Chacha Nehru for the long speech. I remember having a breakfast of not-so-sweet Sheera on Thursday next morning because Ghangurde sir once told us that a girl who did so scored 50 in Physics. And they say we are the SCIENCE students, hahaha. And then putting on the Tanpura and meditating by humming the swaras of silent Hansdhwani. Then getting ready, praying to God (which I doubt if I even believe in) and kissing my parents as I sat in the cool cab being driven by a woman driver. Never did I breathe so deep and never did I feel so calm and relaxed. I already had decided that I will be surely following Haresh Sir's philosphy about positivity and using Rhonda Byrne's The Secret. Jai Hind was my centre and Prabhu sir's phone call was all I needed to boost my morale even more, which did occur amazingly as we were getting down from the car. I kept telling myself that CET is easy and dumb and that I shouldn't much complicate things. I kept repeating this advice that all our professors had given us since our first class test. But fate it seems, had something of its own to play.
The bell rang and we entered the class. I tried to meditate and keep my heart beat as slow as I could so that no adrenaline would be secreted so as to make me panicky. Papers were distributed and a surge of thoughts ran through my mind. HECK! Shit, this is the last PC paper I will be ever writing, unless I decide to repeat. All those amazing moments with our beloved Ghangurde and Nadkarni sir, our idiotically funny doubts and SO MANY TESTS for THIS single one! It was a great feeling. I opened up the paper and the first question itself was something I didn't know much about. HECK, I kept my mind calm though, thinking that its just my set here that has this tough one before. Rest to be following will surely be easy. But alas, DMER this time thought of some Halloween surprise for us. Every question that followed was something which we didn't expect from CET. Not that I couldn't get those, but just that the feeling that this devil was really different than what we expected for 2 years, made me worried. I cannot remember the no. of times I blessed my parents for admitting me with GG, as every following question was his internal with all the same options!! :O Physics was done, and it wasn't as bad as I firstly thought it would be, but I had taken up 4 mins more than what I should have and my Chem devil now had larger horns. Chem was really easy, but the time factor and the thought that I only could read every question once if I wanted to complete the paper really got me dizzy and I did what I so swore to not be doing. I lost my cool. I panicked. And what followed was havoc. I remember reading 6 questions in line with nothing going in head and me just circling them so as to hurry for the next one. Time was over and my 2 questions remained. The idiotic invigilator didn't know that he was supposed to be signing the papers and came to fulfill his duty as I was scurrying around to mark the answers. Finally, as the bell rang, I kept holding tightly on to my answer sheet, following GG's tips to not to give it away unless you mark everything. But then I wondered how suddenly the invigilator could be so smart by taking away my question paper instead. Sigh, I didn't know what option to mark. This never happened in our mock tests as we were supposed to take away the question papers at home. I saw around, people moaning, screaming and some hugging their deaths quietly. I kept wondering which group I should be joining. I could see my parents disappointed faces, GG and Nadu asking me how I could not get THAT particular question and Kasturi asking me how I could miss such easy ones. I wished I could just disappear. Somehow, I could remember Aai telling me that if PC went bad, it meant I had the added responsibility of doing my best in Bio. So, I hurried to the washroom to wash my face where already few people were crying, but I decided that I won't be giving a shit about what's happening around and what happened before. I knew that if it was bad for me, it surely must have been bad for everybody. I just prayed to God that the Bio paper happens to be just out of board book and occupied my seat. But sigh, no prayers were to be accepted that day.
Bell rang, I got my Bio paper and I felt all the joy one could get by topping a prelim, after reading first 2 pages. Every question had been from board book. But then, again, the happiness wasn't meant to be lasting for long. They started asking some questions which I knew even Balaji didn't have the answers for. But somehow, I didn't feel the excruciating pain anymore again. Maybe I had become too numb to feel it, maybe I had gobbled up some extra confidence with water gulps and dry fruits, during the break, but somehow I remained strong during the entire Bio paper. Completed it on time and just wondered if I should run back down to my parents or just sit there. Quietly. I randomly packed my stuff as everybody was running around in pain and anguish. There were huge heaves and silent sobs, long sighs and sarcastic smiles. I wondered what mask I should have been wearing. I just climbed down the stairs and calmly explained my parents the situation who thought I would come down screaming in joy and all in smiles as after my final Geometry paper of SSC. And then... The worst part... DISCUSSIONS!
Firstly, I called up Ghangurde sir, to tell him that unlike what he promised us the entire year, the Bio paper was not exclusively from board book. By then he already knew of the PC case. Then calling up Vivek, who was already crying, Varun, who gave me a myocardial infarction by saying that PC was just lengthy and that he expected 97 in it, Kasturi, who wondered if she would have to repeat and then Mihir, who's phone was switched off.
Then it was a confusion so as to deciding which classes we should be going to, to draft the paper again. As we discussed how screwed we were in Bio and how we were raped in Physics I knew KEM was now just a dream. We knew we had to go to GG, because that's where we were confused the most. Again Dominoes pizzas lured us even at such time. Haha! Where we met Minit Shah, who then again made us feel that we should be jumping from the building by explaining how better KEM was, as compared to Sion. Even Pizza seemed to taste shit. With every question answered wrong, counting back the falling score was really a dagger in heart. But we somehow could finish the paper and ran to Prabhu sir's office where the Bio paper was already ready and printed. With NO CONTROVERSY this year and all answers being line pickups, the hope of getting some free marks of controversies were even shattered. And then as he told everybody's scores, I added up my P & B totals, just praying to God that I might not have made more than 4 mistakes in Chem. And then impatiently we requested Kolambikar sir to allow us to check the paper he had drafted. 183, 183!!!! That was the score I predicted! And sigh, it was a feeling I really can't explain in words. With no energy left in body to travel in a train from Parla to Dadar, we somehow got ourselves into a rickshaw and immediately started calling up friends from various places. Kolhapur, Ratnagiri, Latur, Solapur, Sangli and Kudal. Somehow the sadistic pleasure of everybody having done badly and the news of the so-called-toppers of respective places coming back home crying, calmed our nerves.
Reaching home, was like attending a funeral. With my and Vivek's parents putting up their awkward smiles trying to convince us that medical college didn't make much difference and that everybody around the state faced the same situations. Predicting the cut offs for KEM and Mumbai, I just prayed it were around 183. Plus, there was a huge confusion while marking the answers, so I just hoped that all the practice of 2 years to mark correctly paid off. Somehow I didn't enjoy my dinner in Gypsy that day. As I licked my chocolate ice cream I wondered if my 197 in last prelim was just a joke...

When Heaven Meets Hell...

Okay, so its 13th May and the first day of our Independence. And somehow, its not as sweet as I dreamed 2 years ago that it would be. Days to follow were filled with all kinds of emotions. With nothing to do, except for wondering about how we worked so hard for those 3 hours which instead tuned out to be something far from our expectations, I spent 2 days just lying in bed, quietly. With a kinda debacle in MHT CET, my parents wanted me to appear for the ASSO CET which they thought would be backup if something went wrong. And I had no option but to spend 5 days till ASSO on 17th reanalyzing all the mistakes (SINS as Prabhu sir would say it) that I might have committed in the last year. However Mihir, turned out to be my savior when one day he came down for a sleepover. Reading 2nd law of thermodynamics from Sears and Zemansky and playing Counter Strike on line, somehow seemed to be sweet medicines. I started reading Harry Potter series like an addict and imagined what huge crime I had committed not having tried it before. I gave ASSO CET and ran back home to Kudal that day itself. Somehow I felt, I would find solace and happiness with my old friends who did not much care about CET! But it was not to happen...
Having returned after nearly 2 years (with 2 short trips in the period) I was really a moron to imagine that I wouldn't have to face the "CET KAISA THA?" question. Yeah I did somehow recover from all that. Exercise, football, music, internet and all my life in my room somehow made me forget that, I even had this chapter of my life. I somehow had decided that, I wouldn't just sweep this incident under the carpet. I called up Vivek, Kasturi and Mihir most of the times to discuss what might have went wrong, to get their opinions... I knew I had to learn a lot instead of just cribbing about what might have been my real first failure in life. Apparently Aai and Baba would have their own theories and mostly all our dinners were filled by POST CET TRAUMA arguments. Where they kind of interrogated me for any distractions that might have caused decreased study time or concentrations, they really surprised me with their memory by recalling most of the incidents of past 2 years. Had they given CET they surely would have topped BIO! Hahaha...
Where I was asked if I felt depressed and lonely, where my cell phone use time was being questioned, where my TV and computer timings were being analyzed, where I was asked if I dated someone during the period and where it was doubted whether I was addicted to porn (as I stayed here alone), I just felt amused rather than frustrated at their amazing flight of imagination. All this, given that I talk to Aai even about my crushes, became a daily debate. I just waited for the day to arrive when we were supposed to leave for Kashmir - The Heaven on Earth...
Sigh, I don't feel much like describing the scenic beauty of the land, you can always read about it from somewhere else. I must agree that I enjoyed the trip A LOT! The most amazing part being, the polite, honest and helpful people of Kashmir. Yeah, I would someday write about the trip but surprisingly the Kashmir snow couldn't freeze our POST CET chats. And I just badly waited for 14th June sun to dawn so as to end all the confusion and stress. I must agree that this period was more stressful than even the CET time. We returned home and the remaining vacations went on with all the gymming and football. The intensity of our discussions reducing day by day. I guess even my parents somehow came to know that CET stress was not a piece of cake to handle. I apparently broke my little finger while playing football, displacing 4 mm of the condyle of a phalanx. I was all excited about having the fracture and given the fact that the doc said that it might need a surgery... YAY!
As I kept climbing up and down the stairs of different offices to collect all the possibly required certificates, I knew that this time's result wasn't going to be much like the SSC.
Oh, I forgot to mention that our HSC result was out on 27th May while we were in Jammu, planning our trip to Vaishnodevi. I scored 530/600, that is 88.33% which was far far far better than what I expected and what I really deserved. But that didn't keep people from asking me why I wasn't a college topper anymore and why a guy scoring 96.15% in 10th couldn't even pass the 90% mark. My dad kept explaining to all the people that called him, that this year I concentrated more on CET rather than HSC, but hardly anybody knew the difference and importance. And somewhere I kept feeling that he really didn't deserve all this justification to people...
Now all this writing might seem like some moaning and complaining to the God, but I just wanted to make a note of everything that, I guess, every student like me might have experienced. My own grandpa who's himself a retired Chem paper setter was really depressed about me getting just 89. I felt like having disappointed Haresh Sir by not even being able to cross 90s where I once dreamed of 100. (given that I had scored 8 consecutive 50s in Sunday tests). I just hoped, 14th June would come fast. People around in Kudal kept asking me what score I expected and the only thing that bugged me while telling them 183, was that I still was frightened of my most dangerous enemy - marking mistakes.
And so we left Kudal and reached here on 12th June night. Amazingly Tikona, my internet provider had amazing ideas to keep me from getting the result and so we decided to go to Kasturi's house to check the result on 13th midnight, when the results were to be declared.
Somebody of Kasturi's acquaintance came to know about all the mess that had occurred. That about 17 questions from Biology were outside the book published by the board itself. It was taken for granted by us, at least our group, that the entire Bio paper hence would be from it. And so we didn't study other books of private publications. I must say, MOST OF OUR PRODUCTIVE TIME, in the entire year, was wasted in the confusion of whether to or not study other books. Doing useless Navneet and Internals based on other books. And that SOME ACQUAINTANCE of Kasturi happened to be the ex secretary of the Governor. He advised us to fight a legal fight against DMER (the institution which conducts the medicine CET) and bring a stay on admission process. So we drafted a letter to the Governor, the Chief Justice of Mumbai High Court and the Education Minister, took signatures of as many students as possible and on 13th made rounds of many places in some hope that it would in at least some or the other way benefit us. But as we went to DMER office to give them a legal notice to be ready to fight a case, they gave us a circular which according to them was sent to all colleges and stated that all the books were to be considered in the study of the exam. And thus, everything in vain...
One the 12th night, as I was lying in the bed, I remembered all my thoughts of the times when I was still studying. It was exactly one month since CET and SO many things I had already experienced. I always imagined this day to be so amazing and exciting, wondering if I could be among the top 10 in state and maybe expecting some fulls, either in Chem or Phy. Somehow all those feelings yet felt very soothing and calming. I could have many flashbacks of our amazing lectures, fundoo concept discussions with Vivek and Varun and completing the homeworks just before the day of submission, at 4 o' clock in the morning.
I remember the day when I first came to Mumbai. When we were taking admission in Ruparel, the CET results of the toppers were displayed. As we stood there ogling at those amazing marks, wondering if I could ever become a doctor, Baba (my dad) was especially impressed by a guy who score 191 in both medical and engineering CETs. He confessed to me, that though he knew it was impractical, it was his dream that he wanted to see me topping both the CETs and scoring amazingly well in HSC with some great rank in boards. And then he put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a huge smile. He told me that he was really proud to have me as his son.
As I lay staring at ceiling fan performing the circular motion, with some background scores of Vivek's snores, I just gave out a long sigh, smiled and pulled up my blanket. As a small tear drop rolled down my cheek, I wondered if Baba could still feel the same tomorrow...

BANG BANG BANG...

13th June, as I stood brushing my teeth I was counting hours till midnight. Remembering the day I brushed my teeth on 12th May, I wondered if it was the same heart rate again where you could feel the blood flow even in the fingers holding the brush. Every passing hour, I reduced the count on the board where during the past 2 years, we used to write DAYS TO CET. It now read - HOURS TO RESULT.
We reached Kasturi's place at 11.00pm, thinking that if they at all somehow decide to prepone it, even by few minutes, we shouldn't be missing anything. All I remember is, the arguments then with Vivek and Kasturi as to who should be the one first checking out the result. :D We kept refreshing the page, as we now counted minutes to 12 o' clock. And then as I hit refresh again, the "Results will be declared at 12.00am on 14th June" window disappeared... It was 14th June...
As per our agreement it was going to be Kasturi who kept praying to God that she shouldn't be going below 180. She entered her roll no. and birth date and there it was. 184, rank 127... We all burst in cheers while Kasturi in tears... Screaming out "KEM is gone, KEM is gone". While everybody else tried to console her, I hurriedly entered my roll no. and dhaaammm...
P 47
C 44
B 92
Total 183
SMR 157
I felt a sense of joy, of this time not being beaten by the Marking Mistakes demon, and I gave out a silent YAY... Everybody put on their HAPPY masks but I knew what everybody was thinking (including Aai and Baba), "KEM is gone, KEM is gone".
As Vivek silently punched the hard keys of Kasturi's keyboard, I just prayed to God that he shouldn't be having any bad luck debacle (as he did once in a prelim. Getting marks, different from the expected score.) I also secretly wished that he shouldn't be far ahead of me if he were to score more. And there it was - 183, rank 151.
There was silence. Complete silence. Except for Kasturi's hyperactive brother Vedant. As everybody wondered what they should be feeling, saying and doing, there was lots going on in the frontal lobe of our cerebrums. Whether to be happy that we were in top 200 and easily getting into 2nd best medical college or whether to be sad that our dream wasn't fulfilled. Whether to call people - professors and friends - to tell and ask marks or whether to just go home, switch off the phones and worthlessly try to jump into REM of sleep. Celebrate or mourn? But by God's blessings, this period of awkward looks being given to each other and trying to pull apart lips so as to resemble an expression called smile, was relieved by the loud TRING of Kasturi's phone. People started calling up to tell and ask marks. As Aai went on writing everybody's marks as they called, the moments were filled by SHITs and YAYs as some scored more, while others scored less than us (I hope you can guess that the word - RESPECTIVELY - is missing ;) ) Then, somehow our faces brightened up on having known that MOST of the people were going to join us, which brought REAL smiles to our faces.
As we walked to reach home, I knew what Baba was feeling. I just yet hoped that he would come near, put his arm around my shoulder and say that he was proud to have me as his son. That did not happen though. I guess he was walking much behind us to do that. Had he been with us, maybe...
And in my life, for the first time ever, I could taste - FAILURE.
Climbing up the stairs (even though we had an elevator) Prabhu sir's phone call and knowing the result, Parasmita getting SMR (state merit rank) 2, and his "I TOLD YOU" kind of tone just made the taste of it, further more bitter.
Lying down on beds, at 3 am, Baba finally spoke to me, since the result was declared. "I am happy :). You will be getting into medicine without any problems. Having known many cases who couldn't, this is really good achievement. We are proud. It’s just that... Leave it, we'll talk tomorrow. Sleep now, it’s late already." Sigh, however I knew that tonight I just had to give some company to the lonely ceiling fan...
As sun dawned on 14th of June, we regretted not having fully charged our cell phones. With all the phones ringing together, with people wanting to wish us for our "SUCCESS", somehow we got the feeling that it was not SO bad actually. And it was confirmed when Baba could really smile. Maybe it was his friends and colleagues calling him up and telling him that he was really a proud father, which brought a sense of satisfaction and calm in him. I don't know about celebrations but we surely weren't mourning any more. The days since then were filled with juniors calling up for advice regarding study patterns and playing Age of Mythology and Call of Duty like addicts. Prabhu sir called us and told us everything about colleges and admission process. And his Party was all that we were looking up to. Getting over the sense of inhibition to perform something, we decided to dance to Ainvayi Ainvayi and an entirely guys dance on Sheila. The rehearsals and planning and reporting Prabhu sir, the party stuff was really an amazing experience.
It was a blast; the party was a blast... And somehow I could see people being much much impressed by the fact that the guy reading Zemansky could even dance :P.
Again, as sir called me up for the award ceremony, while handing out the trophy to me he said, "This was the guy who studied because he loved to, not for marks. When I taught Cardio in class, he watched open heart surgery videos on YouTube and asked me doubts regarding it. Only 10% of what he studied was related to CET. And he was the only one who had the caliber to score 200/200." As everybody clapped with awe and wonder, I just somehow squinted to see Baba (who, along with Aai, had all the way come that day from Kudal, just for the party), wondering if tonight I could get his hug.

After that, the sleepovers with Mihir and Shrikant, discussions regarding theory of relativity, genetic science behind infatuations and all the arguments regarding the happening babes in our tuitions, was the thing that gave me finally the feeling that yes, CET was done! The admission process will start on 4th July and then one month later we will really be doctors.
As I stood in Ghangurde sir's classes, where he invited us to "GUIDE" the juniors, we were bombarded by all the questions that we had in our minds when we were in those shoes. As I bid good bye to the last batch that evening and left the room, I happened to see the mark list being displayed. Somehow, that moment, Baba's words seemed to ring in my ears...

"You get what you deserve and

You deserve what you get..."

Amen