THIS is Rocking

CET's nearing day by day... 139 days left for it... HSC exam dates declared... Surely dead in that :P... And so much is happening in life... And since my last post I haven't at all got any time to write anything!!! Firstly Our Bio lectures are over... Last chapter of Chemistry is going on... And Physics portion is traveling at the velocity of light :D... And I AM SO LOVING MY LIFE... Might not be the most interesting life, but surely the most productive... I nowadays go out for a walk in the evening to refresh my mind... There I see many people of my age, enjoying to the fullest... I really envy them sometime... But then I think, are they going to be able to do all this 10 years down the line... Will their life be THIS simple... And then this strengthens my belief that by working harder I am creating an easier, simpler and enjoyable future for myself... In Haresh Sir's notes there's this beautiful quote-

"Future is not something to wait for, future is something to be created... Plan your future in advance as that's where you are gong to spend most of your life..."

The other day Baba told this to me,

"You get what you deserve and you deserve what you get"

Now I don't know how he came up with this, but as I think about it, it is the eternal truth of life... Haresh Sir says, we always work in two domains of life "DOING" and "GETTING"... But we forget the most important domain - "BEING"... We think 'If I do this, I'll get this... If I say this, they'll think this... If... Then..." and we remain entangled in this foolish mumbo jumbo... We forget the part that THIS itself is such a huge thing... Rather a beautiful thing!!! THIS may vary from person to person... For a student THIS might be marks on test, homeworks, assignments, crushes!!! Anything... But THIS, this time of studying, these weekly tests (mid weekly rather as we now have tests on Wednesdays too), these lectures, these homeworks... Once gone are never to come (unless of course you repeat if you didn't do all THIS properly... Hehehe ;) )
Today I had a Chem lecture and Nadkarni Sir said, "So we are now starting the lecture for the last chapter of our syllabus." I don't know why... In that fraction of a second my entire last year came up from my memories... I could remember last year's December, preparing to face new Prof.s with enthusiasm, new books, added workload and all those AMATEUR CET STUDENT emotions!!! I could remember all the first introduction lectures and what all of us said... And all THIS is about to end!!! Now surely many would not agree, but I enjoyed this journey a lot... I am COMPLETELY, COMPLETELY a different person as compared to what I was when I came to Mumbai, rather when I entered twelfth... I've become matured, understanding, street smart, a PLANNER, lot more sincere, devoted, honest and stronger to face crisis situation... Ya in twelfth you might not be on border with guns and grenades, but facing the Sunday test with MCQ homework of 250 questions to be submitted on Monday is nothing lesser... I know THIS doesn't end here... Lot more to come... Many more bullets to be faced, many more bazookas to be dodged but this PAIN!!! Its sweet addicting pain... With never before kind of shivering, chilly winter of Mumbai, its torture to wake up at 5 in the morning and bathing with cold water just so that your brain's back to life... While sipping hot ginger tea, I sometimes wonder - "Is all this really worth? After all, all I want to be is a successful and renowned doctor... How does my college, my CET marks matter anyway?" Well then I understand that even if THEY don't THIS does matter... THIS is a PROCESS (isothermal irreversible expansion and adiabetic.. HEHE :P)
THIS is where we are made... And THAT is the result... I am constantly trapped in the GETTING domain... And that's where I lose... As I'm reading a book called THE SECRET by Rhonde Bryne, I am thinking of world in a different way... It says that we emit a frequency of a thought whenever we think about something... THERE... That thought about which you are thinking RIGHT NOW is going to the universe and law of attraction works in universe... THAT thought will bring more such thoughts to you... It will make up your day, your future because as quantum physicists define, time is relative... RIGHT NOW, another version of YOU already exists in some other time frame... And its the Schrödinger's cat paradox type of event... The probability that an event occurs depends on the time when observer observes the event... (Google it to know more) If we extrapolate this concept we can see imagine that THOUGHTS are nothing but agencies which we send out into the future which pull many threads and make the situation true... My life depends on what I think... I think I can do, achieve, win and conquer... And so does my down fall!!! I keep saying this to me "Today is going to be a great day, today is going to be a great day" and it does turn out to be one!!! Sometimes even if when I don't do homework... And sometimes when I feel very demoralized the day turns out to be a nightmare... I get scolded in spite of doing all the works...

I have now really started believing... "What I can do, depends on what I think I can do"... LITERALLY!!!

Far from the point of all THIS I have taken myself to some new world... I now understand that you don't have to be worried and stressed to be determined and planned... These two are mutually exclusive sets which we often don't consider to be different... Water always APPEARS to be turbulent and gushy on top, but inside its calm and quiet... Same is with our life... We worry with about some different situations and worry is all we do about it... Baba asks me to believe in this, "Arey, main nahin kar sakta, toh aur kaun karega?" (If not me, who can?)... Its easier and simpler to face the situation rather then dying by worrying...
Now I'm not some Dalai Lama or any old banyan tree living for 500 years to say all these great words of wisdom... But whatever I have learned in this infinitesimal period of 17 years, will decide my further path...

Today, as I wonder how I will miss all my Professors, lectures, homeworks, etc. even before everything ends, I feel very sentimental... I really felt like crying when Nadkarni Sir said, "So we are now starting the lecture for the last chapter of our syllabus."
And THIS is where I am.........

Nickozz!!!

After so many posts only about me and my life, here's one about someone except me... And who better than a best friend...

So this is about Nikita... Nikita Utapt... She's one of my dearest friends... We know each other only for last 1 year or so... She lives in Pune and me in Mumbai... We met on the Europe tour of Kesari... And after that only once last year... But JAI TELEPHONE MAHARAJ... She has become my best buddy... We share each and every thing with each other... Joy as well as sorrows... Sometimes even the things we shouldn't... But then, you know... She's a very great friend of mine... Now after reading all this, the first question which must have popped in your head is, "Are they something more than just friends?" The answer is NO!!! Every third person reading this would think this... But people you really don't know anything about me then...

She gave the audition for SaReGaMaPa Marathi and was selected for two levels... Yesterday was her final audition before going air... and now is waiting for the results... And once she is on T.V. I am sure that people will be Googling her name!!!

Physics and Chemistry Rockzzz!!!

I am going crazy this week... With 50 in Physics confirmed I also have found out that I also have 49 in Chemistry!! Ahh! Ahh!! Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have to be here to see how happy I am today... In fact it is 50 in Chemistry too on my question paper as I have TICKED the correct answer, but have marked the wrong one... Reason?? No... No... Not marking mistake!!! In fact the question was "Paper is made up of which material?" and the correct answer was Cellulose which I had ticked on the question paper!! But there was another option Carbohydrate... Now Cellulose is a Carbohydrate... And I had seen a paper made up of Sugar on which you write with food colours and eat the paper later... So I wrote Carbohydrate... WHY???? I like arguing with Prof.s
When I told this to my Mom, where I expected her to be very happy about it, she started shouting at me... HOW COULD YOU CHANGE THE ANSWER JUST TO ARGUE WITH PROF.S??? Really I am regretting it a lot now... Damn... I want to abuse myself badly... :( :( :( ... Shit... I might have had Physics-Chemistry 100 on 100...
Shit... Even Nadkarni Sir was angry!! He said that I deserved a 50 after so many consecutive 49s but I even deserved to lose that mark because of my weird and dumb thinking... You should have seen him... I felt that he was about to slap me!!
Damn!! I should now work on Bio... My this week's aggregate computed on 200 is apprx. 196!!! Hahaha!! Feeling like screaming now!!!
Shit... I want those 4 marks!!! YO!!

My First (probable) 50!!

MAN!!!!! Today was Physics and Chemistry test and I rocked!!! MY FIRST 50 in PHYSICS... YIPPEEEE!!
Now, its not official, I checked my paper according to solution set given to us and one answer doesn't match... However, I am sure that mine is correct... I'll have to wait till Saturday lecture for result officially... But hell with it... Even if I lose a mark in marking mistake, I don't care because I KNOW THAT ON QUESTION PAPER I HAVE FULL!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY...

But Ghangurde Sir's reaction was not anything extra-ordinary!! He just said "Good!! Good!!... BYE" And hung up!! Now come on!! Now I at least deserved some appreciation!! After all those times when he called me told me that I should get 50 this time!! But I am not upset... Because I didn't deserve it too!! Yeah... Because I didn't study as hard as I should have... In fact I didn't study at all... Because I was busy checking the reactions of people on my last post.. :'(
Neither did I solve a single MCQ book nor did I cover all the lessons... Neither did I solve Physics internals nor did I read Chemistry... And so today I was not so confident after the Chemistry paper which is my forte!! I guess in CET, the only thing which counts is not just hard work, but hard work WITH sincerity... Now I am saying this because though I didn't do any study of Physics this week, I am scoring good just because I did all my home works on time and sincerely... When you do them just for the sake of completion nothing goes into head... And I guess, reading various textbooks also helps...
But I think that this was just a fluke, and I think that to repeat this feat the next time, I'll really have to study hard... Wish me luck guys!!

A Lesson Learnt...

You know you are in 12th when the best part of your daily schedule is when you SLEEP... Yes, especially, preparing MHT-CET is really a tough thing to do... The people who have not seen me from many years or even months, won't be able to recognize me... With my eyes completely swollen, black, so much flab around my waist and my face sweating like a pig I become the FUgliest creature on earth, ON SUNDAYS...
Now, I no more curse Sundays... I have become used to them... With Bharat Bandh declared tomorrow, it is first day after summer vacations that I don't have any classes to attend... I have time, a lot of it... And so I can splurge a bit of it on writing something today...
Hushh!!! There are so many things I want to write about since my last post, but haven't got time at all... However I would like to share certain important incidents which took place these days...
Firstly, today was a very tiring day... With investment of only 1.5 hrs in the field of sleep, I somehow managed to keep myself awake for both Maths as well as Biology paper... And punished myself by making 3 marking mistakes... First of all, the matter which I was confident about and knew by heart, in the paper was very less... And on top of that I made marking mistakes in them... (In Marathi - Aadhich Ullhas Tyat Phalgun Maas. Sorry guys can't translate this in English)
Last 2 consecutive Maths tests I had not scored a 50, after a successful spell of about 8 consecutive 50s... That was the biggest shock for me... MATHS, the only subject which comes to me without any special efforts (even of homework), was not rewarding me... And I knew that it was completely fair to me, because Maths was unfair to others who worked hard for that perfect score and I got it without even a drop of sweat... And by losing those 2-3 marks I was also being unfair to Haresh Sir, who was being so lenient to me about homework and etc. He never asked me for H.W. neither did he bug me for any specific work... And so I got a lot of time which I SHOULD HAVE UTILIZED for Bio and Physics (creatively CET ORIENTED)... So if you are reading this Sir, I would like to apologize for this... So as to make up for it, yesterday for the FIRST time I studied for Maths exam...
After that, as I was about to START Biology exam preparation yesterday I got a call from Ghangurde Sir (my Physics Prof.)... This was, I suppose his 3rd call this week... The reason was that I had got miserable 43 in the combo test after a great 49 in previous test (out of 50)... Sir was very unhappy with me, that day during the lecture... He kept on pulling my ears and giving me beatings (which didn't hurt me at all)... Then he gave us a riddle about capacitors, the answers to which I had got that day itself... I called Sir, that day and told the answer but sir said that my answer was wrong and started laughing... He told me that if wasn't able to answer such a dumb question then it was a very shameful thing for me that, in spite of reading University Books (Halliday & Resnick/ Sears & Zemansky) I still sucked at foolish riddles... And this was just the spark I DID NOT require...
That call and the only thing I knew was, CAPACITANCE... I read each and every book I had, I searched every damn corner on net and called various people for the answer... Yet the answer which I got was same... So once again I called Sir to tell him that I was again getting the same answer and again Sir rubbished it... His taunting had worked such great miracles that I even dreamt of Capacitance... And hence my entire week was used up... I cannot say that I wasted it, because now my concept of Capacitance is crystal clear... And so on Friday I gave up... I took up Chemistry against my will because once again I had let down Ghangurde Sir... Yesterday, after I returned from Chem lecture I slept for about 1 hour so that I could be awake the entire night... [Vivek was down with fever and stomach ache so he went home, Panvel and I was feeling lonely, so I called up Ashutosh and Kalpesh for company... And if at all I get good marks in today's Bio test, it will be entirely because of them who kept me awake the entire night and helped me a lot with studies... Thanks guys...] The first thing I did after waking up was doing Maths... And there was my phone ringing with Ghangurde Sir's number flashing on it...
I said "hello..." and the first thing Sir asked me was about the answer to the riddle... I told Sir that after trying hard for about consecutive 5 days, I had given up because only answer which I was getting was 32 capacitors... And guess what, THAT WAS THE CORRECT ANSWER...!!! Sir started laughing on phone and told me that my answer was correct on the very first day, but he wanted to show me, how foolish I can act by giving up the study of all the other subjects just for the sake of that 1 riddle... Sir, in a really HARSH way had showed me how I had wasted the entire Bio-Maths week for Physics, how I couldn't set my priorities right, and what can be the reason for me not getting admission in KEM... In Sir's words, "God is very mean... He gives intelligence to some and the ability to do hard work to others... And if at all both these characters are seen in a same person, he usually happens to have some or other problem... Financial or something else... But God has given you a huge combination of all these things... The only thing he has not given you is brain, because of which all these qualities are useless... You don't understand WHAT to study and WHEN to study... As you don't have any planning and study according to mood swings you end up studying things which are not at all necessary for CET..."
Sir also asked me to follow Aditi Patankar, who according to him will top our batch this year... He told me that most of the toppers who were scoring more than me couldn't grasp Physics in lectures as fast as I could, but they didn't have to because they were smart enough to beat me easily on their hard work and planned efforts... He also told me that me and few of my friends had real potential to be a top scorer but only that our efforts were not properly channelized... So then he challenged me that if I topped next 5 tests he would throw an Ice-Cream party and if I didn't, only his hands would do the job...

And so, this was a huge confidence booster for me... For the first time, he seemed to be very fatherly and it was such a warm talk! Although it did consume about 1 hour on a Saturday night, I felt so energetic and determined, that it was worth it...

DAMN!!! NOW I AM GONNA SO SCREW ALL YOU TOPPERS...
I AM COMING BACK, YOU STUDY-FREAKS!!!

ITS A BRAND NEW SUJAY YOU ARE ALL GONNA SEE!!!
THE OLD SUJAY'S DEAD AND GONE!!!

DEAD AND GONE - T.I. Feat. Justin Timberlake



Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone...

I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright
I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright...

YO MAN!!!

A Very Long Academic Year...

So... One more Sunday comes to an end... The day which is meant to be cheerful and joyful for most of the students... I HATE IT!!!!
The reason for this is that we have tests of 2 subjects on Sundays, here in our classes, famous as Dr. Abhang Prabhu's Tutorials... We have Maths/Biology test followed by Physics/Chemistry on every alternate Sunday... In fact its not the TESTS which make the Sundays so bad, its the Sunday noon when we come out of the Shitty Dadar Vidya Mandir which is our "EXAMINATION CENTRE" (which I suppose is the future of our BELOVED D. G. Ruparel college, which is equally bad... With not even a single fan working, switches of Bakelite, the material which we are yet studying in Chemistry as a great insulating material - which is now-a-days not used)... Discussing the paper and cursing the level of difficulty...
Dadar Vidya Mandir (D.V.M) is worse than even the worst of the schools you might find in Sindhudurg, with all kinds of Tapori students coming to flirt in a vulgar manner, where the paint is peeling off the walls, where there are messages and pictures drawn on the walls which can be conidered as the last limit of obscenity... Now you would wonder why I am babbling so much about DVM but the fact is that, I LIVE IN THE BUILDING BESIDES DVM!!!!!!!! It is so much annoying to listen to foolish and dumb giggles of dumb girls who are CHATTING with most idiotic ever guys I have seen in my entire life...
Sorry... I am so pissed off by my schedule this year that I can abuse anything I can think of... Even myslef... I am tired of waking up everyday at 6 am... I am tired of having a bath as fast as possible so that I am not late... Tired of drinking the same tea out of the same Mug, tired of attending the boring lectures where you mostly focus more on how you would get more correct MCQs rather than giving a DAMN about understanding the concept...(that's probably the best sentence I can use to describe my feelings - Believe me I am just somehow controlling my anger and writing CLEAN stuff)
I have become notorious for asking doubts which according to Ghangurde Sir is, "unnecessary for the timebeing"... I think it is a fundamental right as well as a duty of each and every student to be curious and AT LEAST sometimes, explore some places and facts just for the sake of LOVE for education (Ya... Right... Call me a NERD)...
I am tired of moaning about marks I get inspite of being one of the toppers but not being the topmost... I am tired of listening to how disappointed my Profs. are just because I got 2 marks less than some guy who they thought was not as intelligent as me... (Haresh Sir's an exception... He encourages a lot... But other Profs. take care that I am not being benifitted by it)...
I am tired of hour long talks with Profs. on phones and their offices about the way I should study and always promising them that I will be unbeatable henceforth... I am tired of planning a lot on Sundays and not getting time from home work to do what I plan, of having irregular naps at odd times, of sleeping at 4.30 am and waking up at 6 am... Of taking multivitamin pills advised by Baba as I don't have Omega - 13 in my diet (as I don't eat fish)... I am tired of thinking about the amount of time Vivek, Advait, Aditi, Aditya, Anagha, Urvi, Kasturi, study and ending up just thinking about that, I am tired of thinking about having done some Art like singing or playing some instrument after listening to Unmesh's tabla stories... I am tired of counting my calories so that I don't put on weight just because I don't have enough time for any physical exercise...
And EVENTUALLY, I am tired of wasting an entire day on net, as I did today, considering all the things I have babbled about...

AND FOLKS... This is my story just 4 months since our classes have begun... There's an entire year of this and a deadlier schedule waiting for me after the vacation of just 6 days, which I'll be getting on 9th May... I am counting the remaining days... With two more tests on Sundays till then I wonder, will I even be alive till then or will my body be couriered home??
This week is going to be more terrible, with 4 tests of Bio on same day and a Unit test of Maths on 6 chapters, with lot of submission to do...
HELL COULDN'T BE WORSE!!!! :( :'( :( :'(

My Bio Experience...

Hey... Today the result of the Saturday tests are out... And believe me they are really great for me... I have got 28 out of 30... Thus if you don't consider those two dumb mistakes which I wrote about that day, it's just like I have got 30 on 30... Isn't it?? Now I know that by saying so I shouldn't rest but yet, Isn't it grrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttt!!!
Now the reason for me being happy is not that I have got great marks but that other "SCHOLARS" have got lesser marks than me... Aditi - 27, Advait - 23, Janhavi Dedhiya ( THE NTS TOPPER) - 21...
My room mate Vivek Patil has got 26... I really feel bad for him because he really studied equally as hard as I did... Unmesh Bedekar, my best friend got 19 !!! :(
But I think that he, cannot say deserved, but he needed some shock to wake him up and bring him out of his comfort zone... He just reads the notes and that's it... He is satisfied by it... He doesn't try to get more knowledge... So I think that now he might kick start...
Today even my Bio sir praised me a lot... In fact he scolded me but I could sense affection in him for me... DR. Abhang Prabhu... He is KEM college M.D. Gold Medalist of gynaecology, I don't even know the NUMBER of fellowships he has... And he is the most intelligent person in this world I have ever met personally... He doesn't teach you the topic, he teaches you HOW TO LEARN... He is the best person in the industry and he knows it... He told me today that my problem is that I think a lot... He said that I think and think and think and think... And this confuses me and I lose mark... After the lecture when I went to ask him doubts, I don't know what happened to him and he become very soft with me...
He told me that I am among the best students he has and he promised me that I would get admission into KEM (yipppeee)... He just asked me to have confidence on myself and be calm... He gave an example... He said "Suppose you encounter a Tiger... Then what will you do... You don't know if the tiger is hungry... You don't know if he will attack you or not... So why worry? Be calm... If you freak out, so will the tiger and then you are dead... And suppose the tiger has decided to kill you, there's no way out... So again no use of getting panicked..." I suppose what he meant was I am the person and his papers are the tigers... But today he just rocked in the lecture... Anyways...
O.K. then... Further on this topic to be continued... Keep up with me!!! Yeah....

Up With The Groove...

Moving on from yesterday's incident... That's what I have decided to do and take a lesson from it... I will try my level best to learn to be calm and patient and not get carried away with the moment... And so today I have decided on something... As a regular reader of my blog (which I don't know how many exist), I want to announce something to all of you...
I am a freaky lover of music... ANY KIND OF MUSIC... I can speak with a DUDE about Linkin Park, with Aunties about Rafi and with Oldies about Pt. Bhimsen Joshi too... I really have a vast spectrum of taste... I just love music... Every part of it... The only thing I regret in my life is to not have got any kind of basic education of Indian Classical Music... Yes... That is my One and Only dream... And sometimes I even think of giving up all the education thing and getting into music completely... But which I think doesn't have any future... And when such thought hits me... I literally SING it out... Yes... I sing and sing and keep on singing... Thankfully now in spite of having moved to Mumbai and having carried this habit, none of my neighbours have complained about it and I hope they don't... But sometimes what I feel is... How will I know whether I can really sing??
There is nobody to really take out my flaws... Yes I have a room mate and he does that... But he does ONLY THAT... I don't think I really am that bad... So an idea struck me... Why not ask you people to help me... And so now onwards whenever I like any song and I keep on singing it, I'll record it and put it here... But after you tell me to do so... I don't want to make a fool of myself on the WORLD WIDE WEB... :)
So today what I am posting is my attempt at the famous Mile Sur Mera Tumahara... Yes after 22 years it has been recreated but I still love the old one... So I TRIED to sing it... And I know that I have DEGRADED it by doing so... But I want you people to tell me what you all think about it... Please spare a few minutes and help me doing so by commenting... Please




P.S. - I know that I have overdone a little the classical part of the song, so please forgive if you don't like... I tried to get into Bhimsen Joshi's shoes!! So that's why so many hand movements... :)

Half Empty Glass...

Sorry for not writing for so many days... Just was a bit busy and didn't get time to write anything... Neither did I have net at my home... But I have recently taken Tikona Wireless Broadband Service... I had decided to write my review about it, but today I feel terribly depressed...
My twelfth classes have started and the studies have started off with a bang... I must have completed just about one month or so and till now I have given 5-6 tests... And the problem is that the start hasn't been good...
I have returned from a paper... It's 8.00 pm and I don't know if will I be able to sleep tonight... Even after having had a sleep of just 5 hours yesterday... The problem is that I am really very impatient...
The test was on biology and the lesson was respiration... I had studied a lot and was really happy with myself... I had thought that I'll be getting full today... Yes... That was my aim... This time and even the last time of Biology paper... I had studied from various sources... I didn't just stick to our sir's notes which we were instructed to do... I studied from about 3 books, read a lot of information from the net, saw a lot of beautiful videos on YouTube and got my concept cleared from the teachers...
I had read the entire lesson THRICE and was damn sure of getting full... I even had Biology practicals today and had earthworm dissection... I was so calm that I didn't haste in the dissection which I had thought I would do and cut the earthworms intestines mistakenly, but none of this happened and teacher praised me a lot...
I came home and once again read the chapter and left for the examination hall at about 5.45 pm... I didn't open the book after that and tried to calm myself down... I even prayed to God which I rarely do... I was sure that the paper was going to be all right... But what I think rarely does happen....
I got the paper and knew that I knew all the answers to all the questions... And so first of all I began ticking the answers on the question sheet itself... I tried a lot to keep my heart beat down but couldn't... I don't know why this happened... I don't know... Was it the fear or my excitation that I knew the answers but I went on circling the wrong answers...
On the question paper I had marked all the answers correct... It was CET type of exam where you are given a question paper and a separate answer sheet which contains some circles corresponding to options A B C D are to be coloured... There were thirty such questions and I had got them all right... ON THE QUESTION PAPER...
When I started filling in the circles I don't know what happened... I got severe chest pain and my mouth went dry... I drank the entire 1 litre water bottle but in vain... And I started circling the circles on wrong options... Just when I would complete colouring a circle I would understand that I had made some terrible mistake... And in such papers you can't change your answer once marked... And the consciousness of my mistakes hit me... And that kept on increasing my guilt...
I marked wrong circles for three consecutive circles in spite of having known the correct answers... And after I understood I felt that everything was lost... And after that moment I did really lose everything... I don't know what happened... But my heart beat suddenly calmed down, my chest pain reduced and I started CRYING... Weeping in the sense... And I completely lost it... Now I don't even recall the questions I answered after that moment...
Please don't think that I am so weak... I am NOT... But what made me so weak was the result of my preceding test... I had studied really well for that test but that time due to lack of INFORMATION not knowledge, I lost my three marks and that too after a sleepless night... It is not the feeling of having committed mistake, but the feeling that my efforts go in vain which hurts me the most... Coincidentally even Aai and Baba were here at that time... And I requested them a lot to give me net and promised them full in the next test...
What makes me more sad is that people have now started underestimating my capabilities just after one dumb test... I am the one asking most of the questions to the professors and participating actively in the conversations... At that time what all the profs and students think of me, is genius and such silly incidents like today prove them wrong...
My toughest competitor Aditi, who got full in the Bio test is what eats me away... Its not that I am envying her or something... I know she is really good... But what bothers me is that just after that one test the teachers of even other subjects praise her a lot and think that I am not good enough... I hate it the most when my Physics prof asks me to reduce my study of Physics and start studying Bio just because I lost 3 marks out of 30 in the test and gives me an example of Aditi... Now Physics is my most favourite subject and it is my strong fortress and I really think that I might be at least better than her at it... Which I'll have to prove in another such dumb test.. And I am really waiting for it... I don't know what will happen at that time... I feel terribly guilty when I now speak with my parents especially Baba... Because he has a lot of expectations from me and I am afraid that I might disappoint him...
I don't know what happens to me when I get the question paper... And this has started recently... Up till 10th it was never a problem... But now...!!??
Its just like an empty glass... I try a lot to fill it completely... But just when I think I have reached the brim, I understand that there is a leakage some where and until I find it... The Glass is empty again...
Please help me... Tell me something how can I improve... My mother says that it is a problem of concentration power because I don't believe in God... What I think is, if I have studied everything about Glycolysis what the hell will God do when I get a question about it... If God really exists he shouldn't really be so cruel with me...
Please help... I have nobody to speak about this issue... So I am writing it here...